We were in her living room, “watching” Moana (more like scrolling through our social media accounts) and the urge to plan and do something random hit me.
These moments seem to happen more frequently and the thrill soaked my bones, making me feel alive; pushing me to live beyond the mediocrity of the life I created.
“We should go to Hawaii for our birthdays next year!” I said eyes glued to the screen, heart pumping.
Lynnise being Lynnise looked at me, some excitement in her eyes and agreed. She started asking questions like “How much is the flight?”, “How long are we staying?”, “How long is the flight?” I answered her after every google search, my excitement growing and her seemingly fading.
“I’ll pass,” She said. I looked at her with disappointment and began to think of something else we could plan together for my 30th and her 23rd birthday. But it was too late, the longing for water, the beach, mountain air and anything away from Georgia already had my mind away from the present moment.
“Fine. I’ll go without you.” And so I proceeded to calculate the cost of such a trip, to celebrate my entrance into the 30’s, alone.
My 29th birthday will be here in 7 short days, and something that I have learned in this chapter of my life is that everything that I would like to do, as much as I would like to do it with others, I may have to do it alone. I’m a single women, with no kids and no serious obligations besides school and work. There isn’t too much holding me back from living the life that I want to live. Looking back on my life now, I’ve always waited for others to say “yes” to the things going on in my head and heart. I sought approval for my hearts desires and didn’t always make a move. I chiseld and molded myself to what I believed was eveyone elses design for me, that in the midst of it all, my identity became blurred and desires silence and shrivled.
I may not know everything about me in this present moment (mostly because this Zquil is starting to kick in) but I know one thing is true: I will live wildly.
With and with out borders.
With good intentions.
With a crown.
With a sword.
With wild flowers.
With a good mug of coffee.
With passion and vibrancy.
With the Spirit that lives in me and the God who created me.
With love and tenderness.
With loud music and quiet moments.
With wild curls or messy buns.
But without your permission to do so.
I have lived safe and small and scared, waiting for people to approve what God has always given me a green light on. If I have to brave getting a new tattoo alone, eating alone, making the long drive to the beach, start a business, experiencing a new coffee shop or anything that would make me happy (that’s good and from God), I will.
And I will not wait for you.
I will not wait for your plans or your comfortability, I’m going to live.
I have to live.
I was not created for a box.
I was not created to be small and safe.
My bones can no longer be cramped inside small minds, small spaces or timid hearts.