#406

“What’s on your mind 406?”

Do you really want to know, Mr. Samuel Lee aka Adam Hulme? I got woken up twice by the cries of a baby on someone’s laptop in the wee hours of the night. I slept on a gym floor. I got woken up for the final time and it was still dark outside. You guys served us cold (flavorless) oatmeal with no utensils and it tasted like paste. I’m cold and you have me running an obstacle course from the pit of hell SEVERAL TIMES today, along with going into a sketchy looking pond and an ice bath if I fail to memorize 8 verses and a mission statement.

But none of these were what really bothered me, because quite honestly I could do it all again without complaining (but not anytime soon)

The problem wasn’t that I was teamed up with some amazing people who kept telling me that I was doing great and that they are so proud of me, it was that deep down I felt like I was constantly failing them. I had driven myself to the point of tears because I wanted to sound that air horn and leave the event early, but not when it felt like I was leaving them to do this on their own. They were my team, my friends and my support and I didn’t know how to take in all their words of encouragement and reassurance because of my own insecurity. I saw those horns around the leaders necks as failure to complete the assignments given to me and I wasn’t going to walk out looking weak to my classmates. Their [false] thoughts of me as an individual would haunt me for the duration of the school year and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.

But now that I’m home and it’s just me and my thoughts in this living room, I realize that I was staying so long because of false assumptions that I believed was set in people’s minds about me.

One, I shouldn’t have viewed the success of my day based on what other people thought of me. But how do you change something that you have done for the last 25 years?

Two, I shouldn’t have thought of myself so highly that I saw people’s success of their day based on whether or not I was there.

And three, I need to believe and understand that just because I don’t think so highly of myself in certain areas doesn’t mean that everyone will or is already believing it too.

It’s crazy how I’ve swam in the ocean of pride without realizing it. I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat humble person when it reality I’ve long since dipped my toes in the water; I’m practically down at the bottom with the Titanic just chilling.

It’s emotionally and physically exhausting to be this way and I can’t express to you enough how much I wanted to crawl back to my team while I was walking away from them at 5:08 pm Monday evening. But I don’t want to live another 25 years and beyond living up to false expectations of my friends and family.

I want to live the next couple of decades of my life perfecting the art of going to bed every night knowing that I gave my 100% without thinking about everyone else.

Because in the end, my greatness shouldn’t be determined on whether you care enough about me and your greatness shouldn’t be determined if I’m there or not.

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2 thoughts on “#406

  1. Treka says:

    Pride can be subtle and deceptive as with false humility. Just when you think you’ve humbled yourself , false humility rears it’s ugly head disguised as…..pride.

    Acknowledgement of your life long shortcomings requires courage and it reveals maturity. This action will always keep you before a loving Savior who who waits patiently for you to see your flaws, repent and make your way back into His arms.

    While you do this, I can also model what you have done and get to to Jesus by following you.

    Thank you for leading In spite of your shortcomings as well as serving while Jesus continually perfect you molding you into His likeness.

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