It’s after 6am. I’m pretty much too wide awake to try going back to sleep. In just a few short hours I’ll be starting my life as a first year student at Atlanta Leadership College.
I’m a Chipotle burrito full of emotions right now. On top of being excited for what God has in store for me, I’m pretty nervous. The swarm of mixed feelings didn’t come until about two weeks ago while I was on a retreat in Destin with some friends. It started with an issue from the past and ended with me on the floor in the living room seeing the word “vulnerable” in my mind. Very bold and loud.
It was then that I knew what the smallest fraction of this new season was going to be about.
Vulnerability. The very word itself makes me want to sink into the couch I’m on and hide. Who really wants to be vulnerable? Hiding seems so much more natural. But then again hiding means living in a false reality of life. It’s funny how for the past few years, I thought I was being transparent and vulnerable since I opened up about my past issues. But that’s really only scratching the surface. I can tell you about the storms I’ve been through and how loving God has been to me to help me through it, but I can’t open myself up to hear the truth about me to change into the person God has for me. I don’t want to feel that pain, I just want to simply hold on to the feelings that have kept me bondage for the past several years. Why? As negative as they are, they are so comfortable, familiar. To let go of them and open myself up to something new scares the snot out of me.
But I want to step into that new realm of positive things. Love, passion, authenticity. Freedom.
Those can’t be obtained by doing what I’ve been doing. So why not put myself in place where I’m away from the norm and go through a shedding process. I’m going to try my best to post my experience on here and may even answer questions if there are any.
Please keep me in your prayers through this season. I know that it’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Also pray that I learn how to be interact with people better than I have been, that take a step out of my comfort zone… and then another step towards where God needs to go.
I love you guys, thanks for reading!
HERE WE GO!