I’m not the biggest fan of taking bold steps that have no back up plan. I have to have something to fall on in the case that things fail to turn out the way that I want it to.
Clue word “I”
I’ve been waiting on the big rescue from God. I’m sure some of you know what I’m talking about: the action of God swooping in at just the right time. It has happened a few times in my life, but I had a feeling that it wasn’t going to happen this time around. I needed to get out of my job, but straight up leaving it without a plan was not going to happen.
I had been working with the company for 4 years, and as much as I enjoyed working with my co-workers and some of the management in that duration, I was not feeling like I was fulfilling my calling (whatever it may be) in those four walls. My faith and character had been stretched, molded and changed in some way, but never broken. I had learned more about myself in those years than I can really share in this post, but I’m not the same as I was before. I knew that when this year started God was going to shift what I was familiar with, what made me feel safe, I didn’t know for sure that it would be my job. Little things had started happening within the company along with sermons that I was hearing at church that challenged me in my faith. Do I leave? Do I trust God? What am I going to do?
My frustration had mounted to the point where I simply gave my two-week notice and didn’t try taking it back no matter how much I wanted to.
I realized that my job was my safe zone, my disease and my terrible boyfriend. I believed the lie that I was bound to the company for life and that I was not good enough for anything else outside of it. When I had enough in me to just throw in the towel most days, I didn’t trust God with the details for the afterwards. So I tried to plan and plot the “just in case” and “what ifs”. God wasn’t for that.
“How about I take care of you?”
“How about you let me be God in your life?”
“How about you trust me with the details?”
and the kicker…
“How much do you really love and trust me?”
Trust. Because I hadn’t been given a reason to trust someone and that drove me to not trust God. Because I believed the lie instead of standing firm in the truth that was preached to me all the time, I could never let go of the toxic environment that was Ross.
I was watching the Croods with the kids at my new job and I teared up at how well it portrayed my thoughts and struggles. I’ve lived my life in the safe zone, to never try anything new, never living without a plan within the boundaries of fear, inwardly saying “Never not be afraid”. All the while I’m so curious and jealous of how people my age take leaps of faith and just go for what they want, trusting God in every step. I wanted to be like Eep who really wanted to get out and explore and bathe in possibilities, curiosities and adventures. My inmost being craved that life but my fears muffled them out.
I think the straw that broke the camel’s back for me was how God showed me that although my calling was something he placed in me, it wasn’t about me. It was never about my selfishness and fears and what I can and can’t do. It was about His will to bring his kingdom on earth, I’m just the vessel. He needed me to pull me out of myself and into his trusting, secure arms and just take that step. To really live a life of never being afraid. Because he’s got this, he’s got all of this and it’s not for me to doubt him because he knows more than my mind can fathom and doesn’t have to give me all the details.
So right now, I am no longer working in bondage to Ross, I do have a new job and it doesn’t pay me as much as I would have liked, but I’m happy. I have time to write, think and dream. I have that much-needed God time that I never really had. I have true peace and freedom and man it feels so good!
If you’re reading this and you are in the same spirit of fear that I was in, I challenge you to take a leap of faith. Let’s not be afraid together!