I usually don’t get this question often, and if I do, I usually give this plain answer to get them out of my face. I’m not a romantic by nature…Let me correct that, I like the occasional romance movie BUT I prefer things that blow up rather than kisses and sweet nothings. Someone asking me about my 7 year strong singleness is not the typical cherry on top of a good day cake.
But I think, through this relationship with God I had to get to the root of why I am still all by my lonesome. Now, prepare yourself for my next sentence, it’s going to be a doosey…
I’m a hot mess. If you knew me, you would probably agree. I used to believe that in order for me to have this grand relationship with some wonderful male specimen; I had to get all the surface level stuff taken care of first. You know, the education, the great paying job, my own car, the whole shebang. But I don’t have all of those things, and although they are all very important, I knew/know that it’s so much deeper than that. I’m a walking broken human being of a mess. I come from a background of hurts, insecurities, a poor example of what marriage should look like and a porn addiction. Yes, I said it, PORN ADDICTION. It started when I was 9 and has become a constant companion in my life. When I began on allowing God to work it out of my life, I became prideful and thought that I had it all under control and realized very quickly that the porn was just a symptom to the disease.
I never knew how to love myself and be okay with how God created me. I lived life feeling like I had to earn something based on my performance; how much I failed or succeeded, that’s what I thought of myself. This of course is not a healthy way to go through life, but it’s how I lived mine. There were two guys that came into my life that I used to be absolutely crazy about. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, I gave them all my attention, I thought changing me would give me the love I wanted, but it didn’t. I ended up just as heartbroken and just as alone with a dash of resentment.
So to add to my addiction and the need to please we have heartbreak and resentment. I carried this in my heart for so long; I never once thought there was anything wrong with having it around. I didn’t think that it could possibly be something to worry about when going into a relationship. But it is. You see, the purpose of a relationship of the godly sorts is that you take care of those dark spots on your heart BEFORE you try and give it away. It’s like giving someone rotten food and saying that they won’t get sick from it. A messed up heart, one that hasn’t been touch by God’s love and grace is a heart that’s going to affect the significant other. A messed up heart isn’t confident. A messed up heart can’t forgive. And a messed up heart can’t love.
This is why I’m still single: Even though I have a relationship with God, I’m a walking construction zone. I’m unable to love someone because I haven’t learned to love myself. I’m unable to love because I can’t forgive men or even trust them so easily because I’ve been hurt and rejected by them. I’m unable to love because I’m not fully healed. What good is my broken heart if the whole relationship is spent on fixing my mess? There is no fun it that. So I refuse to be in a relationship, for the time being, until I get my soul fixed by the Creator whole has already done so many wonderful things in me that it will take another blog post. But when I’m no longer single: YOU WILL HEAR ABOUT IT. Trust me. My mess will not destroy such a God centered thing. I will be singing my favorite musicals and be all girly about it because not only am I with some that makes me feel like flying, but because all is finally well with this heart of mine. My heart will grow in all the right places, but for now, I will give it to God and allow him to do all the necessary surgeries to get it pumping just right. Just like Jesus’.