Ever had the moment that you felt like screaming? Just this burning desire to let out an ear splitting scream that, breath deep and walk away?
My thoughts are not in a good place right now. I’m angry, easily irritated and annoyed. I can’t focus on things and I don’t like being around people as much. I still can’t forgive some people and I’m afraid to even try. I can’t even trust God.
I create these thoughts of people based on the negative things they mad me feel in the past. They might have hurt me before, so I believe they’ll do it again and I just can’t let it go. I’m afraid of repeated history, and embrace the hurts that was then. I feel like crying because they don’t deserve the walls I put between me and them. And I shouldn’t put myself through such crap.
But it’s comfortable even if it hurts. Thinking positive feels wrong even when I know it’s right. Letting go and moving forward is hard but so necessary. By my head and my hands hold this death grip on them, theses preconceived notions of people when they have presently done anything wrong.
“You’re going to hurt/abandon me eventually, I’m just preparing myself for it.”
That’s what my head is saying.
I don’t want to care about relationships, I just want to breath. Chunk the thoughts and move on. If I don’t fall in love, I’ve already prepared myself to not care. If I don’t have friends, I’ve already braced myself for the lonely road ahead. I’m okay with it. Or at least I’ve told myself this constantly for years.
I just need to scream. I need to cry. I don’t want to feel this way anymore but it feels familiar and comfortable. Dark and safe.