10 Years

It was a normal work day. I was on my lunch break when I opened my Facebook app to see a group invite. Normally, I ignore them, but this was different. It was a group for planning my 10 year class reunion. I almost squealed with excitement. I got excited see all the familiar names and faces of people I spent 4 or more years of my life with, people who I walked the stage with celebrating the end of another season.

As classmates proclaimed their excitement for the reunion, I did what any responsible 27-year-old would do at a time like this…. I shamelessly Facebook stalked as far as their privacy settings would allow. Pictures of college graduations, engagement and baby announcements, job promotions and world travels filled my screen; their lives played like highlight reels and I became increasingly jealous as I looked on every page. This continued for the whole weekend, taking up all of my free time. My heart and mind became convinced that I spent these years poorly and that there was nothing that I could bring to show my life has had some value when reunion day arrived. I have no college degree, nor a corporate America job that could magically make people love and admire me when they ask what happened after graduation. I’m not married or even have a boyfriend and I’m childless.

During one of my lunch breaks this past weekend, I expressed my feelings of failure to a close friend from ALC. My eyes filled with tears and my heart cried bitterly to God for my wasted years (bloopers) and even briefly  believed that he was upset with me as well. I replayed the year my parents divorced and how I spent so much time being emotionally effected by it. I replayed the night I prayed for deliverance from an addiction, experiencing the freedom that came afterwards by just simply walking away from it daily, only to crawl back and lock myself up to it months later. I replayed the rejection of young men my heart longed for and how I had looked at myself feeling like I wasn’t enough to experience love. I replayed the two semesters of college that I attended and flunked because of my inability of caring or even believing that I was smart enough to pass any of my classes. I stepped away from success and became comfortable working thankless jobs that were unable to see my worth and I laid in bed with the dreams of being something better only to wake up with not reaching for them the next day.

My phones ringtone pulled me out of my cloud of shame, my friend had responded back:

“Even though it’s not where you want to be or the “ideal” life for your age, doesn’t mean you’re failing. You are just waiting on God, that’s all that matters.”

I read her response over and over again letting it marinate for hours. I sought the Lord on my day off, and though my heart wanted those words to ring true throughout my entire being,  it wasn’t doing it as quickly as I would like. But slowly, I had to raise my hand and heart in surrender to the truth that was being whispered to me in my idle moments.

My parents may have divorced but God brought me to a place where I no longer feared a beautiful marriage for myself in the future. I may have been disgusted with my appearance but He showed me how beautiful each curl of my hair was and there was nothing wrong with my glorious thunder thighs. I may have struggled with pornography but He displayed purity and placed it in my heart to long for that. I may have not graduated from college but my work places became my classrooms of learning and growth, even when I hated them sometimes. I shied away from pain, rejection and insecurity but He continuously pushed me to not hold my heart so close but rather keep it out no matter how many times it was beaten and bruised.

I traveled to China and smuggled Bibles and ate with other parts of the Church. I learned to fly a plane, went on hikes with some amazing people, gained skills and a passion for serving others, got two tattoos and a piercing despite my distaste for needles, sat under amazing leaders, gained a natural gift of writing and speaking. I boldly speak about my struggles, opening the door for women to be transparent about theirs and finally, but certainly not the least important, I got back with Jesus. My success may not look like much to everyone else but I spent these years preparing myself for the things that could possibly wreck the glorious kingdom plans God has for me. Falling victim to comparison may have brought me to a low point but My God reminded me that all these years were not wasted. I’m healing, I’m becoming whole, I’m being prepared for the best that has yet to come.

I am the double-edged sword sporting a flowing dress because I am a weapon that is embracing her beauty, I only spent these years being sharpened and shined. I am not the plastic weapon wearing rag dresses that I always believed. My blade-smith took special care in making me the person that I am today. What tried to keep me dull,ordinary and rusty like others around me has long been defeated, I need only to remind myself daily of what has been won.

I am for certain that when I walk into the room next year and surround myself with my past peers, their accomplishments will not push me into a shadow of regret, but rather on the bleachers cheering them on. Because during this week, I have learned the hard way that comparison is a weapon to destroy the truth that was already engraved in me, but so am I to the lies that tried to destroy me.

Open Season


  • parrēsia: boldness, confidence
  • having the interior immediately accessible
  • without covering, especially a protective covering ; unprotected;exposed

As the year comes to a  bittersweet close and you mentally jot down your resolutions, goals, dreams that you want to fulfill (and that you actually fulfill them), my prayer for you this upcoming year is:

That you let your arms shoot up in sweet surrender of trying to take control of everything out of fear.

That you bring forth boldness in the new things.

That you are void of what has held you back for way too long.

That in your openness, you encounter authenticity with God and others and that you find your identity in new relationships and your time with the Savior.

That your confidence in the God who knows your future, outweighs your “what-if” moments.

And finally…

That you wake up immediately  accessible to transparency, vulnerability and God given authority.

Happy New Year, my friend and welcome to your Open Season.

Permission to Desire


a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

It’s in the strangest places that God nudges you to look up words to show you what you are lacking. Or maybe just what you choose to not acknowledge.

I’m probably the only one that has been feeling like society has set the standard for women. That we should be independent, strong and without the need (or desire) of a man. Or that we should be wives, bare foot and pregnant making 3 meals a day for our families, cleaning up the house, clothes perfectly intact with a smile on our face. But we can’t be both.

There is no such thing as having both.

In my eyes, the first standard punched the latter in the face and I never dared myself to desire it. Yes, I may talk about it every once in a while, but in my alone time, I never gave myself the green light to truly desire it.

To hope

to dream

to pray on it.

Inadequacies, flawed men and broken hearts kept me from wanting what most girls desired. Love. Marriage. A baby carriage.

So I dreamed to take on the world, without a man and without a child. Because I believed in the lie that it wasn’t for me, it was for her, her and her.

Because independent women didn’t need anyone and should be so goal oriented that they don’t have time to want anything else than setting the world of fire.

It was in the hotel room of Orlando, Florida that God showed me different.

In my pursuit to desire God and know his heart is where I find the very desires he has for me. Being in close relationship with the King means to share the same vision.

Desires from God are good, pure, and purposeful. And he showed me that the desires that I was beginning to experience were from the good soils of his heart. Kingdom minded. Fulfilling. Perfectly Okay.

I had to give myself permission to D E S I R E

To hear wedding bells and slay giants

To be barefoot and pregnant and help bare thirsty, dry bones to the King of fulfilling waters

To immerse my heart in one of a child and in Christ-centered agendas.

Because it’s all perfectly okay.

I’m learning now that the heart of God is calling for women to grow in the identity that he desires for them.

To be beautiful, resilient world changers, world thinkers, loving wives and nurturing mothers. That the delicate, bold and beautiful design of a woman is something to embrace, enjoy and cultivate. Not ignore or suppress.

Why? Because it comes from Him and it’s perfectly okay.

Beyond the Shores

It’s 1:21 am and I’m wide awake (thanks to the coffee drink I made at the cafe tonight. You the real MVP, iced peppermint white mocha). All 4 or 5 of the boxes from my ALC apartment are unpacked and put away and my room looks fantastical. I’ve sat on my bed or paced my newly vacuumed carpet praying from both my lips and my heart and it finally hit me. A week into being back home everything I learned about Jesus, myself and others has finally clicked.

I’ve glanced at these tokens, letters and pictures neatly organized in various places in my room and I finally understand why God pushed me to go to Atlanta Leadership College and why I most likely won’t be going back.

Before ALC I depended too much on myself and my own abilities. If you asked me beforehand if I trusted God with all the major and minor details that happened this school year, I’d lie to your face and say yes. The big “aha” moment boils down to this: He placed me in a season where I had no other choice but to seek and trust Him. He put amazing people in my path that spoke life into me and also shined a light on what I didn’t want to see. He showed me how he sees me and that he is a good good Father if I allow myself to think and act as His daughter. And he gave me hope in my future in that Father/Daughter relationship.

I’ve entered small pruning seasons in my life before but I’m a firm believer that this past season was the biggest one of all. In a place where change is more like a microwave, I kind of slow roasted my way through. I’m not fully cooked but all the raw parts of me are becoming more than perfect; the God flavors are coming to the surface.

But why do I believe that I won’t be returning for a second year, you ask? Because in order for me to chase after what he wants me to do for His kingdom, I had to be in a place where hindrances were exposed and removed so that I can move forward. If going back for a second year is part of it, then I will obey and go, but I don’t think I need to. At first I was afraid to acknowledge the possibility of not going back and I cried like a baby. I shrunk back into that fear of the unknown again. God caught me before I could go back too far and revealed to me a couple of things.

1. He showed me the end of this year and how he was going to provide for it. But that it was just for this year, not for the next. I believe that he knew I’d plan too far ahead and try doing the next year without Him and we all know that could turn out badly.

2. I also believe that he revealed what he wants me to do next and I’m seriously excited about it. So excited, that the thought of a second year seemed less than thrilling.

Do I want to return and be with the best AC family ever? Yes. Do I want to continue being trained in a Godly environment? Yes. But do I need to continue with ALC to do it? Nope. And it’s okay. It’s not the end of the world or the end of this journey.

I’m beyond grateful for God luring me from the warm sand beneath my toes and into the salty waves. The water is only a bit past my knee caps, but I want to go deeper until I can’t feel the sand underneath me and simply let Him carry me further out. He’s not going to let me drown and to have that kind of confidence in that statement brings so much indescribable peace in my heart that I’m smiling.

I’m ready for the waves to pull me further from the shores of false security.

It is well…

Can you believe that 2014 is coming to a close? I absolutely want to jump out of my skin at the thought of the year that Jesus and I have conquered.

I love Christmas and all, but New Year’s Eve is hands down my favorite time of the year. There is never enough time to reflect really in my life, because I simply do not take enough time to do so, other than today. So as I laid on my couch this morning, in the moment where I’m usually so quick to get this year over with and ready to move on into the next, I actually smiled and embraced the adventure that I embarked on.

Like most, this year had its own theme, mine was all about risks. Daring to shake things up, stepping deeper into the deep end and waiting with great expectation for God’s waves to hit me. I can’t say that every wave was easy, but it was worth learning to endure and simply dive in to. I left behind my comfort zone, got my insecurities and pride shattered and watched as God lovingly, patiently and gently began to reshape me. I met amazing people and learned through them what I was capable of doing when I stopped looking behind me. I knew that me turning 25 this year would be my turning point and that there was no need to go return to old things. I don’t believe that I’ve had as good year like this in a long time.

Although I stopped making resolutions for a while now, I will say that I want to strive at taking risks and having that childlike wonder for the next thing God has in store for me, trusting him in every little move that I make.

So this is for the next big adventure that 2015 WILL be. Creating new and refreshing moments that leave me in awe and showing the very presence of Jesus in them all

Happy New Year, my friends ❤


“What’s on your mind 406?”

Do you really want to know, Mr. Samuel Lee aka Adam Hulme? I got woken up twice by the cries of a baby on someone’s laptop in the wee hours of the night. I slept on a gym floor. I got woken up for the final time and it was still dark outside. You guys served us cold (flavorless) oatmeal with no utensils and it tasted like paste. I’m cold and you have me running an obstacle course from the pit of hell SEVERAL TIMES today, along with going into a sketchy looking pond and an ice bath if I fail to memorize 8 verses and a mission statement.

But none of these were what really bothered me, because quite honestly I could do it all again without complaining (but not anytime soon)

The problem wasn’t that I was teamed up with some amazing people who kept telling me that I was doing great and that they are so proud of me, it was that deep down I felt like I was constantly failing them. I had driven myself to the point of tears because I wanted to sound that air horn and leave the event early, but not when it felt like I was leaving them to do this on their own. They were my team, my friends and my support and I didn’t know how to take in all their words of encouragement and reassurance because of my own insecurity. I saw those horns around the leaders necks as failure to complete the assignments given to me and I wasn’t going to walk out looking weak to my classmates. Their [false] thoughts of me as an individual would haunt me for the duration of the school year and I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.

But now that I’m home and it’s just me and my thoughts in this living room, I realize that I was staying so long because of false assumptions that I believed was set in people’s minds about me.

One, I shouldn’t have viewed the success of my day based on what other people thought of me. But how do you change something that you have done for the last 25 years?

Two, I shouldn’t have thought of myself so highly that I saw people’s success of their day based on whether or not I was there.

And three, I need to believe and understand that just because I don’t think so highly of myself in certain areas doesn’t mean that everyone will or is already believing it too.

It’s crazy how I’ve swam in the ocean of pride without realizing it. I’ve always thought of myself as a somewhat humble person when it reality I’ve long since dipped my toes in the water; I’m practically down at the bottom with the Titanic just chilling.

It’s emotionally and physically exhausting to be this way and I can’t express to you enough how much I wanted to crawl back to my team while I was walking away from them at 5:08 pm Monday evening. But I don’t want to live another 25 years and beyond living up to false expectations of my friends and family.

I want to live the next couple of decades of my life perfecting the art of going to bed every night knowing that I gave my 100% without thinking about everyone else.

Because in the end, my greatness shouldn’t be determined on whether you care enough about me and your greatness shouldn’t be determined if I’m there or not.