You know you’ve been out of touch with the blogging world when you notice all the changes… *le sigh*
Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on my blog but tonight I just couldn’t shake off the words that have been freshly pressed on my heart.
So many things have happened since the last post. I got accepted into a leadership program and have been scrounging for monthly supporters just to get a room (still haven’t gotten it, but I’m almost there), I’ve been tested and tried but still overwhelmingly covered with love and support by people who I intentionally surround myself with. And I’m back at Ross… Yes. I know. I swore I’d never do back to that place again after quitting back in May, but that $8,100 tuition is no joke. I’ve also done some creating on the side but it’s not all good.
Fusion is currently in a new series called “Storms” and this past Wednesday Pastor David talked on “self-made storms”; those bad times in life that we actually create. I couldn’t run and hide from those words like I would have wanted to, knowing good and well I’m always creating my own problems. Very few people know that I was in a “friendship” of sorts with a certain male that has the ability to put me in a sour mood. We say we want to hang out, we plan a day and what we may or may not do and we run with it. Or least I do. The sad thing is, he flakes out every time. As one of my friends said it’s a “hit or miss with ______” and I realized that it wasn’t anything personal, that’s just who he is and what he does.
Today, we were supposed to hang and as always I sat in my room feeling hopeful, thinking that this time it would be different. But it wasn’t. I texted him, asking what time would be cool for us to meet up and as usual he never responded back. I sat in my living room feeling stupid and at the last-minute trying to find something to do to fill up the time slots I had created for me and him. No one was able to hang with me today. As usual, I took it kind of personal and felt a little rejected by everyone. And with the cabin fever creeping quickly, I NEEDED to leave the house or else. I quickly grabbed my keys and purse, sent my brother a text saying where I was going and drove 30 minutes to a well-known bakery within my church family. I did my usual sulking in the car, blocking out God because I knew I was going to hear what I had been ignoring all along. When I got to the bakery I bought a huge brownie and an amazing chocolate chip cookie this side of heaven. I nibbled away at my emotions and my walls slowly came down. Shortly after, I drove another 30 minutes to a bubble tea joint and decided to sit there with my journal for a bit.
Writing has always brought me back in line with God and today’s date with Jesus wasn’t any different. I scribbled down my feelings and came to a lot of conclusions about myself as a young woman.
First, I realized that I only wanted to hang with this guy because of the simple fact that I liked him. A lot. I figured that something in me was different to where he would actually want to make an effort and change. We both aren’t on the same paths but I figured “I’m the exception. I can change him” Secondly, since befriending him I had compromised, in my head several things that I swore I would never compromise on. And thirdly, those inward compromises brought out the outward set backs that not everyone knew about. I think part of me already knew what was happening every time that I spoke with him. But because I’m stubborn and think that I know better than God, I tried to choke them out and move on.
That doesn’t work. Take it from someone who knows from experience.
Spending an hour talking to God inwardly I spent the drive home talking and singing to God outwardly.
I realized that me talking to this man only took me out of God’s covering. Ever since my mom took a class on the book of Ruth, and explained to me how us single woman are single mostly because God hasn’t revealed us yet to the right person, I have envisioned myself as a woman under Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak. But then those times, where I unveil myself at the wrong timing, trying to do things my way, everything becomes a train wreck; inwardly and outwardly. I prayed and sang to God for him to cover me (again) and this time, don’t let me show myself until he gave me the okay. I understand now that I play a terrible God. And with me going into ALC in 22 days, I don’t have time to set myself back any further than I already need to be. I need to create boundaries for myself as well as surround myself with people who, as Pastor David calls them, my storm watchers. I’m great at reaching out for help after the damage is already done, not before it comes and I want to work on being truly accountable for everything that I struggle/d with.
As for the guy, I permanently removed him from my life. As much as I want to give him piece of my mind about everything, I have to keep remembering that I’m to blame.
So here I go, back under God’s covering, allowing him to work in me what I can’t do without him.
God bless and happy reading!